Harry Pothead and the Magician's Stones
by Sweet Tang
Summary: Everyone knows about Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But no knows anything Hogwarts Rehabilitation Center for Drug Addiction and Sexuality...
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer_: We do not own Harry Potter or its characters.

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Everyone knows about Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But no one knows about Hogwarts Rehabilitation Center of Drug Addiction and Sexuality. And that's where our story begins.

Hogwarts rehab center of drug addiction and sexuality was, as you can guess, a rehab center. But it was also a boarding school for those with drug and sexual problems. It was a school for those who either have nowhere to go in life, whose parents are dead or don't love them, or who are just REALLY messed up.

So on his first day of his sixth grade, instead of going to a normal middle school, 11-year-old Harry Pothead was on the train headed to his first year at Hogwarts. The only available place on the train was next to a nerdy redhead named Ronald Weasley.

"So what are you in here for?" asked Harry.

"What do you mean?" Ron asked in a sickeningly sweet voice, "You sound like we're going to prison."

"Well, rehab's not much better."

Ron's eyes widened. "Wait… Isn't this the train to Gooberstein's Academy of Computer Engineering?"

"No, you idiot, we're going to Hogwarts. How did you get committed? You get hooked on the antidepressants from your mommy's medicine cabinet," Harry asked, annoyed.

"NOOOOO!!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO-"

Getting really pissed off and even more annoyed, Harry suddenly snatched up Ron by the sleeve of his shirt and bitch-slapped him.

"Quiet, sweet tang! Now shut that pussy-ass mouth of yours before Uncle Harry _really_ gives you something to squeal about!!"

Harry then threw him back into his seat. Ron just sat there, trembling in the corner. Their awkward silence was interrupted as their compartment door slid open and a young 11-year-old girl in a skintight dress walks in.

"Hello," she said in a seductive voice, "My name is Granger, Heroin Granger."

"Wow," said Harry, "Interesting name. How'd you get it? If you really live up to it, then you're the prettiest smack addict I've ever seen."

"My dad was a male prostitute who had a one-night stand with my mom. She was a heroin addict but now she is a scientologist. Now I'm on my way to rehab. I think you can put the pieces together."

She sat down on the seat next to the shivering Ron. Heroin glanced at him, and then back at Harry asking, "What the hell is wrong with him?"

"Uh… withdrawal. Yeah, withdrawals."

"So," she continued. "What did they bust you for?"

"Eh, my aunt and uncle sent me here 'cause I used to lay around the house and smoke pot all day."

Heroin reached forward and slapped him across the face.

"Pot! POT!! You pussy! I used to suck dicks for coke!!"

She sits back down as Harry rubs his face with a surprised expression on his face

"Sorry," she said. "I also have a touch of Tourette's."

"A touch, eh?"

There is a period of silence between them.

"Yes," she repeats, brushing his leg. "A touch."

Then she recrosses her legs, showing Harry she is not wearing any underwear. But before anyone can make a move, the train stops. Harry and Heroin head to the door. Harry sees Ron still huddling in the corner.

"Come on, cocksucker. Get your nerdy ass off the train."

He proceeds to drag him off the train to start their first year at Hogwarts.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry, Heroin, and Ron walked up to the front entrance of the Rehab center/boarding school, where other first-years were waiting. Ron had calmed down a little bit, and was trying to figure out a way to get back home. Everyone was okay until a scary old bitch came running out of the hallway towards them, screaming.

"FIRST YEARS BEWARE!!!!!!!!!" But her screaming stopped when she set her eyes on Ron. "You. I've been waiting my whole life for this moment."

Before anyone could react, she pushed him against the wall and started dry-humping him in front of everyone. While Ron screamed in terror, he knew this would be the beginning of a long line of life-scarring nightmares come true.

"Stop that!" An elderly man has come outside. "McGonagall, that is enough for now. Go traumatize that little faggot Neville Fatass."

"Aye-aye captain!" And with that she went speeding down the rows of new students, looking for her latest prey. But before she left, she declared to Ron, "I'll be back for you - IN HELL!!!!" Then she gave him the V-sign, and ran off, cackling. Ron sat on the floor, rocking in the fetal position, muttering under his breath and sucking on his thumb. Meanwhile, the old man started talking again.

"I am Dr. Dumbledope, and I am the head psychologist at this establishment."

"Sounds like my kind of man," Heroin whispered to Harry.

"And that…," Dumbledope continued, "was Professor McGonagall. She is the Sexual Education teacher here at Hogwarts. You will be seeing her quite a lot here, especially those she chooses for her… indulgences…Like Ronald Weasley! Get up off my floor, Weasley! And suck it up!!"

Within the next twenty minutes, they were led to their house quarters, which was split up in two halves for each gender. Harry had to share a room with Ron and Neville.

"Jesus Christ," he exclaimed. "Of everyone on campus, I got stuck with the two lamest nerds here!"

"Sorry," Ron and Neville said in unison.

"I don't need your fucking apologies!! Just back off! These two beds are mine! You guys share that one!"

"But-"

"Get your ass over there in that bed right now!! I don't have to take your shit!"

They cowered over to their bed. But Ron's day only got worse when he found out McGonagall was their House Mother…

"I told you I'd be back," she said as she entered their room. "Now let's get started with some Dirty Sanchez!"

Ron shrieked like a little girl and duck under the bed.

"You'll have to do more than that to get away from me, Weasley!!" McGonagall grabbed him by the feet and dragged him out the door, Ron screaming all the way.

The door slammed shut and the room fell into an eerie silence, only the faint screaming of Ron slowly fading away could be heard.

"Well," Harry said, breaking the silence, "I guess you get the bed to yourself tonight, Fatass."

After setting his suitcase on one of the beds he claimed, Harry laid down on the other and went to bed for the night.


	3. Chapter 3

At breakfast the next morning, Harry sat next to Ron, who had came into the lunchroom pale, limping, and drooling from the mouth. Harry didn't really want to know what exactly happened, so he was hesitant to ask. Before he had the chance, Heroin caught up with them.

"Hey, guys," she said, sitting across from them at the table. "So Harry, what did you bring for breakfast?"

"Eh," he began. "I forgot to bring any food. I just have one last joint from home I forgot to smoke last night."

"Oh my God! Are you serious?! I haven't had a hit in so long! I'm just always fucked up on harder drugs! Please, I'll do anything for your last joint! Here! I'll trade you!"

She pulled a dirty, rusty syringe out of her purse that was filled with liquid.

"I already started to shoot up last night but I passed out. Here, want to trade breakfasts?"

Harry shrugged, and they swapped.

"What's that," Ron asked. "Is it medicine?"

"Oh yes," Harry replied. "The best medicine in the world. Want to try some?" He prick him with the needle which resulted in Ron's eyes dilating. He then started to shake violently and collapsed on the floor. Suddenly, McGonagall popped up out of nowhere and, looking around suspiciously, starts to rape his unconscious body.

Ignoring that, Harry asks Heroin, "So, what are you doing today?"

"I was going to go see Fred and George. In case you don't know, they run the black market at this school. You?"

"Nothing much. Can I come with you?"

"Sure," she said. "All right, Ron, we have to, uh, go pee. We'll see you later when you're not… preoccupied."

The two of them set off to the sports field where Heroin said Fred and George operated, next to where the other kids were "trying" to play sports, all of them too drugged-up to have the energy to really do anything. A boy was standing in line in front of them.

"All right, Wood," one of the boys were saying. "We'll give you this top-quality vibrator if you promise to hang out with our little brother Ron at least once this year. He's had trouble making friends in the past."

The boy leaves and Harry looks shocked. "Ron is your brother?!"

"Unfortunately yes," Fred said. "Ron is that member of the family you try not to talk about." He sighed.

"We told our mom she shouldn't have stopped drinking a 12-pack a day when she found out she was pregnant," George went on. "But did she listen? No. If only she wouldn't have given up her career as a NASCAR racer, then the poor little guy would've turned out differently. But what can you do?"

"So," Heroin started. "Rumor has it that you guys have a new shipment of Ecstasy in stock. Would you happen to be interested in a bargain?"

"Do you have anything of value to us?"

"Well," she went on, "I have this." She pulls out a brown, crumpled-up condom from her purse. "This came out of me a few weeks ago when I started my period. God knows how long it was up there."

"Wow," said Fred. "Interesting. We could probably sell it for half-price. However, I'm going to need more than that if you want more than one pill."

She sighed.

"Okay, I do anal on Saturdays after 10 p.m. I think I can… squeeze you guys in. Oh, and _you _have to bring the Vaseline."

She walked off, with Harry close behind her.

***

Their first class of the day was Gym. Their teacher, Madam "Mama" Hoochie, was a middle-aged, buff lesbian with a thick foreign accent. She explained all of this to the class when they first met her, although most of them had already assumed this.

"Okay, class, first, we are going to RUN A LAP!!!" She spanks Heroin's ass. "Go, go, go!!"

They all started running around the basketball court. No one noticed Neville sitting under the bleachers, jacking off furiously. No one but Mama Hoochie.

"Vat are you doing?! Stop zat!" She grabbed his right hand, and snapped it at the wrist.

"OOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!"

"Now I'd like to zee you use your right hand? Move it! Now!!"

He started running to the nurse's office with his pants still down, crying.

"Hey," Harry said. "I'm the only one who can make his life a living hell! You old dike!"

Then he started chasing her around the school courtyard, beating her with a tree branch.

"Harry Pothead!" Harry turned around to see McGonagall standing behind him with her bathrobe hanging open. "Come with me!"

The only thing going through his head was, _Oh shit. I'm next. _However, when she took him to the vacant dorm, it was Oliver Wood's name she called out.

"Coming!"

"I'm sure you are,' she said, smiling deviously. Then she turned to Harry. "Wood was my first victim back when he was in sixth grade. Maybe that explains the way he turned out."

"All right, McGonagall, What do you want?" he asked, flushed and sweating.

"I have found a new recruit for the hockey team. He has great potential to be a goalie, because although he possesses great athletic skills, no one at this school is really good at anything."

They all agreed on the matter, and then it was time to head down to the locker rooms.

"Come, young one," McGonagall said. "Let's go find you a proper-fitting jockstrap."


	4. Chapter 4

A few days later, in their Sex Ed class, Professor McGonagall wouldn't stop rambling on about her life.

"Aaah, a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a carton of Marlboro's, my fifth honeymoon. It feels like it was yesterday…"

"Who the hell would marry you?!"

"Who said that?!" She looked around menacingly. "If you interrupt me again, your dick will be shoved so far up my ass that I'll be puking for a week… So where was I? Oh yes… my fifth husband. Well, he dumped me when he found out about my… interests in prepubescent boys. And then, I met my_ sixth _husband in the Vietnam War. I was working as a part-time nurse, part-time soldier, part-time stripper, and part-time man handler. The things I saw there made me go _CrAzY!_!_!"_

The class moaned with boredom.

"I also learned how to blend in with my surroundings while fighting in the jungles. I'll show you."

She pulled down her pants to reveal a batch of bright blue pubes.

"Now watch!" She squinted really hard and started grunting. By now the whole class was screaming like little children. Suddenly, her bush shifted to a dark orange color. She relaxed for a second, then started shaking violently as her coarse hair started to shift from orange to a dark green to a vivid shade of pink. Then she collapsed on the floor, pissing herself and moaning in exhaustion.

"That's… pee, right?" Heroin asked in terror. "I'm not really sure. But I want to find out!" She rushes forward and licks McGonagall's crotch. Then she starts screaming in agony. She stands up to reveal her tongue burning off. "It's so acidic!!!!" Then she ran out of the class.

McGonagall regained consciousness and stood up shakily. "Class dismissed. I need to… Lie down…"

***

That afternoon, after Harry got back from Hockey practice, he found Heroin in the library. She was already out of the hospital; the nurse said she had built up a tolerance through the overuse of her tongue throughout the years so there would be no scarring.

"But guess what?!" She was very excited. "I just learned of one of this school's oldest urban legends. Hidden somewhere on campus is a drug, so powerful, it will grant you eternal life! Not only that, it smokes like really good weed but has the aftereffects of every illegal drug known to man!"

"Did you read that in that book?" Harry asked.

"Oh no, it was in the latest issue of this school's official magazine; _Playgirl._"

"Do you know where on campus it is?"

Before Heroin could answer, Ron came running in, screaming his head off.

"Guys, you got to help me!!!" Ron yelled, "McGonagall won't leave me alone!!!"

"Damn it," Heroin screamed, "can't we get a day's rest without your pasty-ass hanging around!?! We were in the middle of a conversation!!"

"Really?" Ron asked curiously, "what about?"

"No of your damn business, Weasley," Harry retorted angrily.

"Aww, come on," Ron whined, "I want in."

Then Harry and Heroin see Professor McGonagall, who is looking for Ron.

"McGonagall, he's hiding over here!" Heroin and Harry screamed in unison.

"AHHH! You guys suck!" Ron yelled, running out of the library with McGonagall right on his tail.

"GET BACK HERE!!!! YOUR TENDER LITTLE CHEEKS ARE MINE TO DEVOUR!!!!"

"So, about the location of that ultimate drug," Harry said, getting back on topic.

"I'm not sure where it is but I think know someone who will."

***

"From what I've heard, his name is Staggered," Heroin was telling Harry as they approached a small shack not too far away from the school campus. "Rubeus Staggered. They call him that because he's a big drinker. The school hires him to perform magic tricks on rainy days."

She knocked on the door. A moment later a large, bearded, Bigfoot-looking man answered it.

"You go to that school?"

"Aha," they answered, barely comprehending his slurred speech.

"How'd you get out of there?"

"We jumped the fence," Heroin said. "And we really need your help. So can we come in?"

"Blahyaha." He turned his back on them and headed indoors.

"I guess that's a yes," Harry half-asked.

They followed him in and sat down at his table.

"Staggered," Heroin began. "We would like to know any information you have on a thing I was reading about called… the Magician's Stones."

"I'll show you my magician's stones!!"

"No, no, no," they both protested. 'That won't be necessary!"

"I remember when I was sentenced to that God-forbidden hellhole of a school. My father left us when I was a baby, and my mother, a whore, used to put beer in my bottle to shut me up and knock me out!! So, whaddya know, I get sent to rehab! Then I got kicked out! They told me it was because I was 16 and still in the 8th grade! But I know it was because they blamed me for raping some poor girl there. Bullshit!! I've never had sex with a girl sober! I would never-"

"Okay, okay," Harry interrupted. "Your life sucks. Whoopdy-fuckin'-doo! What the hell do you know about the Magician's Stones?!"

"Nothing, God damnit!!!"

"Oh… okay," Heroin said. "I guess we'll be leaving."

They both leave and the door slams shut behind them.

"Well that was a fucking waste of time," Harry explained.

"What time is it?" Heroin asks.

"About eight o' clock. Why?"

"It's Saturday. I've got to go get ready for the twins. You know, I've done double penetration before," she says, whispering in Harry's ear. "But no two dicks in one asshole. This is gonna be rough, even for me." She squeezes his crotch, and he gasps in surprise and pleasure.

"Well," she finishes, "got to bounce."

"Wait," Harry screams after her. "Don't go."

"Don't come."

Then she turns around and walks away.


	5. Chapter 5

About a month or so later, the school was getting ready for its annual Halloween dance. They had already hired Staggered for the magic show, and Dumbledope had become the official DJ. The only thing left to do was for everyone to pick out their costumes.

"So what are coming as, Heroin?" Harry asked.

"That's a secret. How about you, Ronald?"

"Ooh," he started excitedly. "My mom usually picks out my costume. But now, I'm old enough to make my own."

"Ha," Heroin shouted out loud, pointing. "You're poor! You have to make your costume!"

"Wahahahahaha!!!!" He runs away crying to their relief. Then McGonagall walked by them, talking on the phone.

"I need twelve kegs! Make them extra large this year!"

"So," Heroin said, "I found a secret corridor while searching through the school files. I'm guessing that's where the Magician's stones are. But it'll have to wait until later. I wouldn't miss this dance for anything…"

***

The dance didn't disappoint anybody. There was a table set up with uncountable alcoholic beverages, and a huge pile of white powder Neville thought was "Christmas sand". He came as a pirate. Harry came dressed as a stoner; he basically dressed like himself.

"Hey, Neville, have you seen Heroin?"

"Nope, not yet. But have you seen what Santa brought? I've already made two sand angels!"

"Oh yeah," Harry asked sarcastically. "You should rub some under your eyeballs; it'll grant you three wishes!"

"Really?"

"Hi boys." Their conversation was stopped instantly by the sight of Heroin walking toward them - completely naked. "I decided to come as a nudist."

The entire dance floor stares at her with their jaws dropped open. The only thing to break the silence was -

"Hi guys!" Ron walked up to them wearing a pink butterfly suit complete with fluffy, glittering wings. "Do you like my costume?!"

"NOOO!!!!!" Mama Hoochie ran up to them in a business suit. Infuriated by Ron's terrible appearance, she ripped his costume in half, leaving him naked. "No clothes for you!"

Ron ran away, crying hysterically.

"You know, that was really mean and you have no right to treat him like that," Heroin told her. "Even if he does have the mentality of a 5-year-old girl."

"Yeah," Neville agreed. "He worked three hours on that costume."

"He has shamed zis institution with his ridiculous abomination of an outfit!"

"Mama Hoochie," Harry asked. "Exactly what are you supposed to be?"

"Ellen DeGeneres," she proclaimed proudly.

"That's it," Heroin screamed. "This has gone too far!" She pulled out Neville's sword from his pirate costume and thrust it into her crotch. However, the sword bent like plastic.

"Sorry," Neville apologized. "I don't like real weapons."

"Hey! What are you kids doing?!"

Everyone turned around to see McGonagall standing there in complete dominatrix garb.

"She ruined Ron's costume and made him cry," Heroin explained.

"What?! Where's my little boy-toy?"

'Eh," said Harry. "Probably upstairs trying to kill himself."

"No one messes with my Won-Won!!!" Suddenly, McGonagall unleashed her whip and strung it around Mama Hoochie's neck, strangling her. "NO ONE!!!!!!!!!" Then she let go of her grip, and Hoochie went flying out the window, falling to her death many stories below.

"Well," said Dumbledope over the microphone, "more where that came from."

Everyone shrugs and laughs and goes back to dancing.

"Hey," Heroin whispers to Harry. "This is our chance. Let's go."

The two of them flee, with Neville close behind them.

"Wait up! Where are you guys going?"

"We're going to look at a secret corridor," Heroin replied.

"Sweet. Can I come?"

Harry and Heroin looked at each other. Harry then shrugged.

"Sure, I guess," Harry said, "Better you than Ron. I swear sometimes I just want to beat the living shit out of him."

All three continued on there way to where the secret corridor was located. But they got there only to find that the door was locked.

"Stand back," Neville said, trying to sound cool, "I'll take care of this door."

He took several steps away from the door. Then, taking a running start, barreled toward it. Neville made contact with the door, but instead it opening, he bounced off of it and ended up hitting the floor hard.

"Move bitch," Heroin yelled, pushing Neville out of the way. Raising her foot and with a hard kick, the door flew off its hinges and onto the floor.

"Damn," That was all Harry could say.

"I learned that trick during my years as a geisha."

They all rushed inside.

"I can't see a fucking thing!!" Harry screamed.

"Shut up," Heroin said.

"What's that noise?" Neville asked. "That… heavy breathing."

'I don't know, Neville," she said. "Hold on."

She turns her lighter on.

"Where the hell did you pull that out of?" Harry asked, dumbstruck.

"Nature has its hiding places. I'll give you three guesses."

"Three? I was thinking of two, but-"

"Two, three, five, fuck it, the number's negotiable-"

"Oh my God," Neville shouted in a shocked voice. "You guys, look!"

In front of them is a pile of three large dogs engaged in vicious group sex.

"Aaawww," Heroin said. "A doggie." As she leaned down to pet it, it barked and snapped at her hand. Then the other two started to growl.

"Oh shit," Harry said nervously.

Before anyone knew it, they were being chased out of the corridor by the dogs and into main hallway, screaming.

"No," Harry screamed. "I can't die before Christmas!"

"No," Neville chimed in, "I can't die before I get to college!"

"No," wailed Heroin, "I can't die a virgin!"

Everyone, including the dogs, stopped to look at her.

"All right, I have nothing to live for."

The chase continued until McGonagall caught up to them and put the dogs on a leash she had been planning for Ron that night. The three of them were spared any serious penalties for their actions, and everyone escaped uninjured, except for Heroin's dignity and pride.


	6. Chapter 6

The next six weeks passed by fairly quickly. Everyone had to take their midterms, which the school passed with an A- (McGonagall explained that the school administration based everyone's grades on the highest F). Now it was time to leave for Christmas Break. However, most of the students stayed there for Christmas since they didn't have parents who cared about them.

"Why hasn't my mommy picked me up yet?" Ron cried in confusion, sitting at a lunchroom table.

"You idiot, you haven't figured it out that your mom doesn't want you home?" Harry asked in disbelief. 'She's probably annoyed by your constant whining and bitching."

"You're lying!" Ron screamed, "My mommy does want me."

Just then, a young 5-year-old boy came up to them carrying a large mail bag. His name was Dobby and was Hogwarts' own personal child slave.

"Here's your mail, fire crotch," he said, handing him a postcard.

"See," Ron exclaimed, showing Harry the postcard, "my mommy sent me this postcard. She said she can't pick me up because she's busy going to college."

Harry snatched the postcard from his hand and looked at it.

"Busy going to college on the Las Vegas Strip?!" He turns the postcard around and shows Ron a photo of his mom drinking a margarita and giving the camera a drunken thumbs-up outside a casino.

"It's true! She doesn't love me!"

"What are you talking about? Nobody loves you."

"Well…" McGonagall appeared in the hallway. "Lust is a more accurate word. Come on, let mama shower you with pity sex."

"Okay…" He reluctantly walked toward her. Several seconds later Harry and Neville heard the sound of the two of them sliding down the staircase.

Heroin then sat down next to them.

"Uh… Heroin," Neville said, "No offense, but… why are you still naked?"

"Oh, I decided to become a full-time nudist. It's a feminist thing."

"No complaints here," Harry said. "So, has anybody found out a way to get past those sex-crazed dogs?"

Heroin and Neville shook their heads.

"Well," Harry continued, "I have an idea."

***

Harry knocked on the wooden door for over a minute until it finally opened. Dr. Dumbledope stood on the other side.

"Well, how may I help you?"

"I, uh, can I come in?" Harry walks inside the office without invitation. "See, sir, since you're the… brains of this organization, I was wondering if you knew anything about the Magician's Stones."

"Oh, my boy, you see, it's more complicated than that. The thing is, I'm not the one to ask about this thing. Staggered's the only one who knows how to get past the security barrier. He's been put in charge of guarding the Stones because no other teacher could trust themselves."

"Oh, I see,' Harry said. "Thanks." He starts to walk out of the office.

"But wait," Dumbledope said. "I was wondering about your friend, Miss Granger…"

"She doesn't have any more heroin!"

"No, it's just, I've seen the two of you hanging out quite a lot. Are you guys…"

"No," Harry responded.

"Oh. Well then, could I… take her out?"

Harry's face freezes in shock.

"NOOOO!!!!!!" Then he ran out of the office.

***

Next he headed toward Staggered's shack. He found him sitting outside, setting fire to an egg with a flamethrower.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked.

"Huh?" Staggered looked up. "I'm trying to hatch 'dis egg."

"Oh. Really?" Suddenly Harry picked up an aluminum baseball bat and bashed him in the head. "You bastard!! You lied to me!! You said you didn't know anything about the Magician's Stones!!"

Staggered staggered up to his feet.

"What are ya talkin' about?"

"Don't fuck with me, asshole! I'm talking about the Magician's Stones!!"

Just then the egg hatches, and a beautiful baby bird crawls out.

"Hey," Staggered yells. "They told me it was a Dragon egg!!" Angered, he set fire to the baby bird, killing it.

"There's no such thing as a dragon egg, you retard. Who sold that to you?"

"Well," Staggered began. "They didn't sell it to me. I met this girl at the bar last night. She seemed fascinated with what I did for a living. I told her everything she wanted to know about the Stones in exchange for a dragon egg, and so that she would… pleasure me."

Harry shakes his head.

"And why did you tell me you knew nothing about those Stones?"

"Because you asked me on a Saturday. Friday's my binge night. Ask me anything drunk, but don't ask me _anything _on a hangover."

Behind them, Dumbledope and Heroin pull up in a golf cart.

"Thanks for the ride, sir," she thanked him.

"Anytime, Heroin. Anytime." Once she gets out, he gives Harry a menacing death-glare and drove off. Harry, shrugging, was meanwhile distracted by Staggered re-starting the conversation.

"She must 'ave been a sexual deviant, or at least really into S&M, 'cause she made sure to keep 'er hood on the whole time."

Harry's eyes widened.

"_McGonagall._" He instantly started to bolt away in the opposite direction. He jumped the fence, raced to the school, and made his way to McGonagall's office. "McGonagall!"

She looked up at him from her desk.

"Yes?" Ron fell out from under the desk and made his escape out of the room. Harry ignored this.

"I know you slept with Staggered!"

She looks taken aback.

"Listen, whatever happened between the two of us at last year's Christmas party is none of your business, and I can assure you that it will never happen again!" She stormed out of the room, offended. Then Heroin ran in.

"Hey," she said. "What was that about? You just ditched me."

"You know what, Heroin? I'm sick of you and your stupid fucking questions!! So guess what?! I have a question for you! Why is it that everybody seems to think that I'm your keeper?! Everyone keeps asking me whether or not you're available, or have any fucking drugs!!!"

"Actually, Harry, I think they think I'm _your _keeper. They just ask you all these things 'cause, you know, you're pretty much my bitch."

"I'm not your bitch, bitch."

"Call me a bitch one more time," she said seductively.

"Uh…"

"Listen Harry, I'd love to stay and argue about who's whose bitch, but I have things to do." Then she left him alone and aroused in Professor McGonagall's office.

Harry, confused, went back to his dorm room. The only person in the whole house was Ron.

"Ron, do you know where Heroin was going today? And what did I say about my beds?!"

"No," Ron responded. "And I'm sorry, but Neville's ass left an imprint in the other mattress."

Harry, screaming, went down to the kitchen and found the biggest butcher knife in sight. Then he went back up to the bedroom. Ron instantly saw the weapon.

"No! Please, I can't die a virgin!!"

"See," Harry said. "That one I believe. Come on!" He grabs Ron. "I'm going to feed you to the dogs!"

"What?!?!"


	7. Chapter 7

Harry and Ron reached the secret corridor by the time everyone had headed off to bed. But when they reached the room, they found it was already lit by torchlight and a hooded figure was kneeling over the sleeping dogs and licking them behind the right ears.

"On the count of three," Harry whispered to Ron. "One, two, three."

They rushed forward and attacked the hooded dog fetisher. Harry got them in a neck lock and started punching them in the side of the head. Ron kicked at the person's heels.

"We've got you McGonagall," Harry exclaimed. "Confess!" He pulled down the hood to reveal the mystery person to be none other than -

'Heroin?!"

"Surprise," she screamed, waving her arms.

"Surprise," Harry beamed back, smiling.

"Surprise, surprise!"

"Surprise!"

"Surprise," Ron added in. Harry and Heroin both stared at him.

"Shut up."

"Heroin," Harry asked in surprise. "You have an evil twin?!"

"What?"

"If McGonagall didn't sleep with Staggered, and it wasn't Neville, then…"

"I slept with Staggered, you fucktard," she responded irritated.

"Then why didn't you tell me?" Harry inquired, hurt.

"Well, I was kind of planning to keep half the Stones to myself and put the rest on eBay. Have you seen the shit you can sell on there?!"

Harry looked furious.

"What's to stop me from shoving this knife through your heart right now?!"

"What's been stopping you from getting inside me since the day we met?"

They were distracted by the sound of growling dogs.

"God damnit," Heroin said. "You woke up the hounds! Grrr. Come on!" She lead them to the other side of the room where they all jumped through a hole in the floor and fell for what seemed like minutes. Then they landed in a big pile of Christmas Sand.

"Help me," Ron screamed. "I'm drowning."

"Me too," Harry said.

"This is a dream come true," Heroin shouted with glee.

"Dammit, Heroin, we're going to die!"

"Just relax," she said. "And breathe in fast!"

"But my mommy always told me not to breathe when I'm drowning," Ron wailed.

"Your mother is a twat," she said. Then she slowly disappeared into the great white pile.

"Heroin!" Harry reluctantly followed her directions and found him falling through the mound of powder and dropped into a small room. Heroin was lying next to him, panting sighs of happy pleasure. Ron fell down to join them next, shaking and laughing like a maniac.

"N-n-n-n-Neville!"

Harry turned around to see Neville.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Heeeeeey, Harry. Buuuuuuddy," Neville said, "Man, you right about the eye thing. I wished for my mother to come back from the dead. But her ear is still missing."

"Neville," Heroin asked, "Are you sure that's the only drug you had today?"

Neville thought about it.

"Is sugar considered a drug?"

"Okay, I've had enough!" Harry yelled, "Let's just hurry up and get to the goddamn Stones!"

They started heading toward the exit, but Neville jumped in their way.

"No!! I won't let you!! You're going to get us all in trouble!!"

"No one gets in trouble here," Heroin told him.

"The teachers do worse things than us," Harry exclaimed.

"No!! I'll fight you!!" Neville screamed putting up his fists. Heroin grabbed Harry's knife and threw it like a ninja at Neville. The knife went straight through his throat and he fell to the floor dead. They all stared down at his dead body.

"I learned that trick during my years as a crackwhore on Hollywood Boulevard," Hermione boasted.

"How do you find the time to do all these things?" Harry asked in disbelief.

"I have my methods…."

She, Harry, and Ron leave the room and go down a hallway leading to another, much larger room. The cheap cut cocaine was already starting to wear off by the time they got there, to Heroin's disappointment. But what they saw there surprised them.

"It's a giant chess set," Ron squealed in delight. "This is amazing."

"How are we supposed to get past this?" Harry wondered.

"I have an idea," Heroin said with a sneaky look in her eyes. "Oh Ron!" Ron turned only to be punched in the face by her and knocked to the floor. Then Harry stepped on his leg, snapping the bone in half. They threw him into the center of the chess board, and the chess pieces started to surround him like an angry mob, brandishing their weapons. His screams could be heard as they attacked him all the in the next room, where Harry and Heroin had begun to descend a long flight of stairs.

At the bottom of the stairs was a small room adorned with red curtains, a large bed, and pornographic music playing faintly in the background.

"What the hell is this," Heroin demanded in rage. "Where are the Stones?!"

Harry walked into the room and looked at the wall above the bed. There was a framed instruction pamphlet hanging there.

"Listen, Heroin, it says the only way to unlock the secret location of the Magician's Stones is through the ultimate act of love," Harry said, thinking about what that meant. But Heroin knew very well what it meant.

"You listen, Harry," she said, sitting down on the bed. "I know you don't like me, but I don't like you either. But if we want to get what we want, we're going to have to work together!"

"I like you Heroin."

"Oh, you do," she asked, touched. "Well I like you, too, Harry."

There was a moment of silence before she spoke again.

"Let's get it on."

Despite the incredibly graphic sexual content portrayed in this story, the acts Harry and Heroin performed next are too explicit for even us to describe. Let's just say that the two friends were _very_ sore three hours later.

"I know I say this to every guy I sleep with, but I really mean it this time. _That_ was amazing."

"It was good for me, too, Harry."

They sat up and started putting their clothes back on. Then, the ceiling opened up and two, glossy red stones fell down next to them along with a double-ended crack pipe.

"Only two," Heroin shouted, looking up at the ceiling. 'You cheapskate!"

"Okay," Harry continued, "The instructions say we have to melt the stones down before we can smoke them, and then it will take up to an hour for the effects to set in."

They did as it said, and were soon smoking the powerful drug.

"It tastes like… sea salt," Harry mused.

"Tastes like semen," Heroin added.

Deciding to get out of that place and back to their dorm rooms to enjoy the sensations of the drugs in comfort, they headed back the way they came, searching for an exit. Then they heard someone moaning. Harry and Heroin found his mangled body on floor, struggling to stand.

"Help me," Ron groaned in pain, a hand reaching out for help. "Please."

Heroin grabbed a sword off the ground.

"JUST DIE YOU BITCH!!!!" she screamed while stabbing him repeatedly.

"What did I ever do to you?!" he asked, screaming in misery.

"Heroin, just come on," Harry screamed. "Just leave him."

He took her by the hand and they fled to the other side of the room, where they found a metal door that said "FIRE ESCAPE" on it.

"That's convenient," Heroin noticed. They opened the door and found themselves in a cramped, ceiling-less room with a ladder that was attached to the wall. They climbed to the very top and opened a trapdoor to see that the fire escape led to Staggered's house.

"What the hell ya doin' here?" he asked them, gulping down a bottle of whiskey.

"Uh," Harry began, "well, could we just chill here tonight? We're so tired."

"Eh, gobberlocker," he responded unintelligibly and passed out.

"Well," said Heroin. "I guess that means yes. You ready to experience the craziest night of your life?"

Harry smiled at her.

"Hell yeah!"

***

"UUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!"

Harry and Heroin were wheeled into the hospital wing on stretchers, moaning and bitching.

"That was a fucking rip-off," Harry exclaimed irritably.

"Yeah," said Heroin. "All it did was keep us up for three days and gave us diarrhea!!"

They were stuck in the hospital for the next week, where they had to sleep on either side of Ron in full body casts. (?)

"Oh, guys, we all get to be roommates for a week! How exciting!"

"God," Harry groaned in agony. "Why do we always get stuck with you?!"

"Because you guys are my best friends," Ron responded cheerily. Harry and Hermione looked at the ceiling in torture, knowing they had another six months until the year ended, stuck with Ronald fucking Weasley as their best friend for what would seem like an eternity…

**THE END**

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_By the way, we hope you enjoyed our story. And we would like you to know that this story was for a comical purpose only. We, the authors, have nothing against drug addicts, sexual deviants, or Ellen Degeneres. Thank you for reading._


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